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High Expectations


I was hanging around outside of SUNY Purchase. There were Rama students milling around all over the place. I couldn't tell if the seminar was about to start or if it was over. I really wanted to speak to Rama pretty badly. I could sense that other students wanted to talk to him, too. Rama had recently left the body and people had questions or just missed Rama. Personally, I felt as if my spiritual development was proceeding at a snail's crawl, even though I had been meditating nearly religiously since the Kalachakra. I wanted to know what was going on. I was very impatient to see Rama.

Suddenly, I was standing around with only a few students who were all waiting their turn to see Rama. We were in a natural, forest setting. There was a creek with running water and Rama was sitting in the middle of it on a big rock wearing a black suit. When it was my turn to talk to him, he was holding some papers in his hand and was reading over them. He looked up at me and asked, "When are you going to pay your debts?" He further demanded to know what my "plan" was to "pay up." He kept looking at the papers and looking up at me.

I was mildly embarrased and uncomfortable and annoyed. I was thinking, isn't there anything that's private? Isn't there anyting this man does NOT know about me?? He did not tell me what I wanted to hear, like for example, "just mediate harder," or "fast for 3 days," or something simple and easy. He was asking me these questions, and frankly, I had no answer.

I was upset that he had these expectations of me; after all, I was a full-time college student, putting myself through a very high caliber, very expensive school without any finacial support from anyone, while battling a serious, debilitating chronic illness, without support from anyone, attempting what many might consider impossible, and he was making these demands on me. I thought it was unfair and unrealistic.

But in my heart, I knew Rama was right (he always is), which was why I was feeling so defensive. I guess since I was already accomplishing the "impossible," it was no wonder he had these expectations of me!





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